My Old Man's Girlfriend Learned Me Good

Rain is a form of precipitation, other forms of which include snow, sleet, hail,
and dew. Rain forms when separate drops of water fall to the Earth's surface
from clouds. Not all rain reaches the surface, however; some evaporates while
falling through dry air. When none of it reaches the ground, it is called virga,
a phenomenon often seen in hot, dry desert regions. The scientific explanation
of how rain forms and falls is called the Bergeron process.

The full Wikipedia article

Sorry, just hold on a sec while I check something:-- form of precipitation…snow, sleet…fall to the Earth’s surface…evaporates…dry air…hot, dry…scientific explanation…Bergeron process. Yip, just checking, and no mention of the moon.

My Old Man's girlfriend started telling me about her plans for “Our Summer Season Party” [ed note: don’t get me started].

IdiotRicket01: I checked the calendar and it’s only really [select random date] that we can have it because the moon is full.

At this point there was a pregnant pause while she waited with excitement to tell me why it had to be full moon and while I cringed as I contemplated asking the question I knew I had to ask.

Me: Why does it have to be full moon.
Her: Because it doesn’t rain when it’s full moon.

Of course! Silly me. At full moon the fairies come and sprinkle their magic rain away dust while the Hobgoblins chant against the rain. How could I forget?!

I laughed at her in disbelief.

Her: Really. [Insert name of random friend whose name was dropped like I should know who she is here] told me so.

Oh, well, in that case 400 years of SCIENTIFIC REASON must concede. If [idiotic hippy friend with bangles made of goat intestine to ward away the chipped nail demons] says so I must bow to her superior knowledge. I’m sure she is using the appropriate karma crystals and dances clockwise around the room, so who am I to argue. Shame on you Academia – filling my head with lies for all these years. Thanks jackie for setting me right.

How great it is that Wikipedia is community based, so now I can edit the post accordingly.

"The Hamster" Critical

I was pretty bummed to wake up this morning to the news Richard Hammmond of Top Gear Extra is in a critical condition in a Leeds hospital.

Top Gear presenter Richard Hammond is in a serious condition after being injured
in a 300mph car crash.

The 36-year-old was filming an attempt to break
the British land speed record when his jet-powered dragster overturned.

Full story

Two days ago I saw an episode of Top Gear that blew my mind so much I had been meaning to include in the Ramble this week. First, they played ice hockey - with Minis. Then, they took a a mini, strapped skis and a couple of rockets to the back and sent it down a ski jump (sans driver of course). It was awesome. In the words of Hammond himself, "bringing new heights...to cocking about". Classic my man, classic.

Get well soon bugger.

Update: Sorry, the cars in the ice hockey bit were Suzukis. Thanks to Pert Spice for pointing that out to me. I bow to your superiority.

Spread the word, and the word is "ARRRR"

Ahoy me buxom beauties!

Yarrrr, I would love t' claim the title but alas, I cannot. That honour goes t' t' fine fellows who started talk like a pirate day



Avast! Here be a few little bits fram the offical site. Yarrr.

Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day


10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …

1. Prepare to be boarded.

Bonus pickup lines (when the ones above don't work, as they often won't)
They don’t call me Long John because my head is so big.

You’re drinking a Salty Dog? How’d you like to try the real thing?

Wanna shiver me timbers?

I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.

Brwaack! Polly want a cracker? … Oh, wait. That’s for Talk Like a PARROT Day.

That’s the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Let's get together and haul some keel.

That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there.




Top Ten Pickup Lines for the Lady Pirates

By popular demand ...

10. What are YOU doing here?

9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)

8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!

7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"

6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!

5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"

4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!

3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!

2. RAMMING SPEED!

...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:

1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Enjoy yer day. Smartly now.

Sorry brothers

"You know what? Teazers has ruined guavas for me. They used to be my favourite fruit." - The Jan.
[Ed Note: In case you have had your head in a bucket on Jan Smuts Ave for the past 6 months or don't use it - there is a Teazers billboard that features a nice ripe looking guava. I tried to get a pic but for once the internet failed me; and there are only so many variants of "Teazers Guava" I'm prepared to to Google at work.]

I'm far too classy to kiss and tell, but seeing as how it was Labs doing the kissing - all I'm going to say is 3 girls; one Jessica Biel look-alike, one old enough to be Elizabeth Taylor (with two kids) and one Anne Heche. I bow to your greatness noble Labs, slayer of women, councellor to the wise, turner of lesbians.

My dad's girlfriend is an idiot vol. 5
My sister was going to gym with her. She is a ricket. Somewhere in her genealogy lies a chicken. She was wearing a pair of bright pink lycra pants covered in teddy bears. She said to my sister as they drove out of the gate “I must get your father to water the flowers out here – I’m far too embarrassed to stand outside and water plants”

I played in a golf tournament organised by the Jhb OGA yesterday. On Thursday I received an email detailing the pairings. As I ran my eye across to our opponents "Pips" struck me as sounding dangerously like a girl's name. At this point in my story it is critical to know two things:
(1) I am a chauvinist assil when it comes to things of a sporting nature. Losing to a girl at sports is not an option.
(2) My golf is so bad that I have had the dubious honour of being the only guy I know who has given themselves a blood nose with a wayward drive.
So, as you might imagine, I was less than stoked at being pitted against a girl in this particular competition.
The big day rolled round and she duly made me look like a muling, puking baby (to be fair, I mostly did that on my own). Men of the world, I am sorry. I bow my head in shame in your presence.
The good news is...she beat everyone. So there are 20 odd chaps out there hanging their heads with me. The other good news is that I managed to avoid the 'most golf' prize on a handicapping technicality.

Almost forgot...happy birthday Neilo. Shot for the jam on Saturday; I blame you and your whisky solely for my crap golf.

Ok. I'm out.

Love, kisses, head.hung.in.shame.
Jamo

GUUUUUUUUNERS

I know it's really budget, but as excited as I am, I really couldn't be arsed.

A rose for my mum

Love you
d

Dr McNinja

Long time readers of the Ramble might remember Dr McNinja. Smythers was reminded of him the other day when we were having a few drinks and so he reminded me and then the previous post reminded me of him reminding me (?) Anyway, without further ado Dr McNinja episode 3
It has everything: love, hate, betrayal, a talking roast chicken, the origin of the slow clap and ninjas kicking pirates asses [ed note: read the order of coolth in the previous post].



Be sure to hold your mouth mouse over the comics to read the comments.

Love, kisses, Samurai, Ninja, THEN pirates
Jamo

[update: What the hell is Dr McNinja? Learn yourself a bit of kulcha:
obviously Wikipedia has an entry.]

30 seconds you'll never have back

Cruising myspace I found this crazy little gem. The title "real life ninjas" caught my eye because, well, ninjas are cool. Not as cool as samurai but cooler than pirates (I'll show you one eye, arrrr). Anyway, if you have 5 minutes to kill, check it out.

Perverts

Hahaha. From time to time the hit counter on my site soars a little for no apparent reason; and being the curious little child I am, i check it out.

Doing so, I came across a referral from a google search on "bloem schoolgirls video blogs". Dirty, dirty, dirty fuckin pervert.

Google it. You know you want to.

There we are, fourth from the top. I feel validated. Amongst other things. But I promise I'm typing with both hands. Promise. Promise promise.

Love, kisses and dirty little schoolgirls in plaid skirts with knee-high stockings and a little bit of grapejuice running from their pouting bottom lip who have been very naughty and deserve to be spanked.

Jamo.

Friday Ramble 08/09/2006

Hey people of the world.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_sexual_slurs

Danny K is a sword-swallowing, pillow-biting sperm-burper.

I first grew an interest in music in the mid nineties. It was around the same time that local rock music began emerging in the post-apartheid era. So my love of music grew to the soundtrack of those memorable, innovative, raw and generally lovable bands of that time. Unfortunately very few of them have survived. Therefore, when I stumbled upon http://www.bastardmedia.co.za/data/bm.html I cracked a smile and reminisced. It’s a bit old, but click the ‘Exhibition 2003’ link and enjoy and stroll back to mid 90s Roxy’s where South African rock was born.

Win a date with Rum: email: kingprawnblog@gmail.com

Rum: 24, romantic, giver, poster boy.

Occupation: Student (currently doing Master’s Thesis on Russell Hoban).

Likes: Dali, Blake, Jilly Cooper. Cheap wine. Vodka. Cane. Schnapps. Beer. Whisky. Sambucca. Uzzo. Tequila. Brandy. Gin. Gin. Gin. Malibu.

Dislikes: Hangovers. Light beer. Spritzers. Apple sours. Forgetting he cotched in the kettle the night before.

Qualities he looks for in a partner: Nipples you can read like Braille.











Quotes: “If you admire the naked form of a male athlete, does that make you gay?”

“I was at a His people meeting last week. There was this hot girl and she was so sexy; so fucking hot...but she was a creationist. She explained that Noah’s ark had dinosaurs on it - of course baby dinosaurs. I just wanted to fuck her.”

“Pillow talk?”

“I’m so horny, I could fuck a corpse.”

“I don’t so much have problem with the principle of sleeping with another man – it’s just, well…what if you got caught?”

“Horny. Now.”

“Those fucking first years and their…short…skirts.”

“I wouldn’t say no.”

“I would sleep with her, but don’t ask me to treat her like a person.”

“If I was any more hungover I would be a bedsheet. Not all over the bedsheet.”

“How much do you think you would get for a bucket of Daniel Carter’s sperm?” (actually that one was Knaps but I had to throw it out there)

“I fucking live to make girls come. I guess I’m just a romantic”.
You think you like? Email kingprawnblog@gmail.com. Enter “Rum Love” in the subject line and include your name, naked photo from the neck down and contact details. Great Thanks.

Enjoy the weekend.
Love, kisses and buckets of Rum sperm.
Jamo