Ye Fookin Beauties

GUUUUUUNNNNNNERS!!!!!!!!

Not even a really kak ref decision could keep my boyos out of the Champions League Final 2006. Ha.

Going down to Mozambique at about 1am tomoorrow so that friendly red furry thing is going to do the Ramble honours. Enjoy. Check you all in 10 days.

Love, Kisses and Rum and Raspberry.
Jamo

Friday Ramble 21/04/2006

Welcome to the worst ramble ever.

They say you are what you drive. I’m not sure exactly who ‘they’ is but no matter. I guess I am a little bit like my car: well-worn, not taken care of as well as it should, has a few problems, but it gets the job done (I was going to throw in ‘all the petrol attendants ask how much it’s selling for’ but…). Anyway, I discovered this Easter weekend that I’m like another of my belongings: my cellphone. Like my car, it’s got no bells and whistles but it fulfils it’s primary function. The most glaring similarity though is it’s battery life. If you charge it for a little bit, it shows ‘battery full’ but within a day it needs to be recharged substantially again. So you stick it in for another little bit before it shows ‘battery full’ again. The process can be repeated for a few day before the battery is truly worn and really needs a good few hours of charging before it’s good to use again. At 7 o’clock on Easter Sunday I realised that I am exactly like my phone.

Easter Rock fest was nice.
Hellphones. Rocked.
New Academics. Very cool, check them out.
Zen Arcade. The frontman has an awesome sound.
Finkelsteins. Always good for a laugh and some jump up and down music.
Watching Prime Circle was about as exciting as standing in a bank queue. It’s really painful for me to watch the bassist wearing groot bril and tight pant and pretending he is a rock god. I especially dig it when he strikes the pose with one foot an amp and thrusts his groin to the adoring masses. Iggy Pop watch your back. Backstreet Boys were more rock than you in that 80s hair-band rip-off video buddy. But local is lekker I guess…yeah…yee ha…wooooo…or whatever.
Parlotones were a bit disappointing to be honest.
Fuzigish, guys, you had me at hello. They are the support band for Lagwagon – Bassline, June 21, R160, book your tickets now.

On they way back, a day of drinking in the sun starting taking its toll on me. We suiped some Bear and Coke for good measure. Scal was driving and I was the only one who knew where we were. So I decided to be a smartarse and annoy young Scal by taking him on a detour. About a minute later I was completely lost. Hee hee hee. Sorry dude.

Later on that very evening a fuckwit called David Falcon-something or other tried to kill me by slamming on brakes because he felt someone was driving up his arse. As the car behind flashed past my shoulder I think I left him a little present in his backseat. Assil. If you damage this beautiful visage I will have to go all Sicilian on you.

Knappy completely fucked up my universe. Let me tell you how: I told him I wanted to get some photos from him. The next day I got an email from him asking me to view his photos at some or other stupid website. I duly went there. They wanted me to sign in and become a member. No sweat, just another fucking company trying to extract and sell my personal details to the banks and real estate agencies and corporates. I absent-mindedly clicked through the registration process. BAM!!!! Next thing I knew I had clicked some button that emailed a request for people to view my photos to my ENTIRE address book. If you aren’t familiar with gmail, it automatically saves anyone to whom you have sent an email in your address book. I HAVE OVER 500 ADDRESSES IN THAT DAMN THING. Recruiting agencies, work contacts, prospective employers, the annoying secretary I worked with last year, porn subscriptions, mail order bride correspondences, etc. They are all there. Not to mention my ‘never fear’ attitude when it comes to reply all-ing those huge group emails. I have so far received over 200 emails in return for that little lapse in concentration. The scary thing is how many random people want to join my photo group. But who wouldn’t want to look at a photo of handsome me? Knaps, thanks buddy, you fucked up my universe.

I can’t stay mad at you guy, especially when you turn me on to Sufjan Stevens. Check it out. Very cool.

Shot to Smythers for this little contribution:
What is Jen looking at?




I like to quickly slip in a GUUUUNNNNNNERS and then I’ll be out of your way.

Dan got arrested for two hours because there was a warrant for his arrest due to an unpaid traffic fine. After two hours they realised that there actually wasn’t a an actual warrant per se; only an unpaid fine. Ha ha. Stupid pigs.

FOUND: 1 x Sheep. Got an email from the elusive character. He still loves me. Sigh.

A found the most awesome program on BBC Prime: Grumpy Old Men. It is hilarious. Basically, they pick a topic (the one I saw was ‘The Media’) and then interview a range of older guys who are well-known for one reason or another and let them ramble on. They are so cynical it is ridiculous. I was in a very happy place.

TODAY’S FORECAST

SMYTHERS: Sunny and mild.
DAN: Cloudy.
HOBBO: 95% chance of gay.
KNAPS: Fagg Foggy
ZULU: My member am black. As Black as night. It are an ebony rhythm stick. Heavy cloud.
JIMMY 12”: Herpes.
WILLIAM: A delightful little ensemble: Striped pink shirt by House of Camisa; White suit by Boss; Fabiana Tie; Kurt Geiger at Spitz belt; Sunglasses by D&G. Underwear by Princess Tam-Tam.
RUM: Will lie in bed until 14:00 nursing a hangover, snapping like a PMS-ey little girl at anyone who comes near him. Then he will rise and go for a jog. After a shower he will make his way down to campus to take a tutorial. On his way back he will stand at the St. Andrews Prep fence for about…45 seconds. And then it’s time for the pub.

Thanks to Labs for the Danko Jones. Check it out too. Very cool.

If you wanna learn to play the blues,
Get yourself a woman.
[nice little guitar riff].

A snippet of a conversation I had with my [dirty] Old Man over dinner:
(The topic of lip rings on girls had somehow come up)
Me: I’m not really a fan to be honest.
Him: Nor am I. On either pair. But at least the other one is not so obtrusive.
At that point I became bulimic.

My good friend Karel spent the entirety of his 5 years at Rhodes building a legend. He was Karel (Ali G as he was known around those parts), the guy who would do anything, drink everything and then sleep with your girlfriend (the legend of Ali “tripod” G was well known in the female community). If someone did something insane, he made a point of going one better. [Truth time: he and I once kissed to prove to some UCT students that Rhodents had no laws. I don’t think Karel even remembers it because it ranks so low on his list. I on the other hand, wake up in cold sweats, screaming “Brokebaaaaack”.] When a girl he was sort of seeing tried to make him jealous by telling him she really liked one of his digsmates, he responded by going back to digs and saying, “dude, you’re in there”. Our hero very seldom had clothes on (why would you when you are the tripod?). The legend of Karel starting growing to mythic proportions. When his name was spoken people would kind of laugh and shake their heads. “That Karel chap. Ha. He’s mad.” More recently, he has become a prolific forwarder of emails. And they are filthy. Some of them were even too disturbing for me to tug to. And…then he got a girlfriend and sent this little gem:

This is why men have dogs!!!


And just like that, the legend, the myth, the legacy, and dare I say – the man was destroyed. A reply email from one of his mates was too good not to publish:

Some of you I know and others I don't, but the one thing we all have in common
is that we all know Ali "pass the crackling" G.

Acquaintances aside I
write this to you in order to say: Our friend Ali...has changed.

From
the boozing, pissing, cursing, obnoxious Ali we have all come to love, comes
this moment of nauseating sensitivity. Could it be true??? Has our little Ali G
grown up??? For the sake of fun and friendship I certainly hope not.

A
man I came to regard as a hero of the anti-feminist movement has fallen so far
into the grips of love that we are unable to save this soldier of the night,
this Hercules amidst mere mortals!!

Ali I say these things to help you
lose the rails once more. Throw away the compass of love and come back to us...I
beg you. I look forward to joining you on the deck of your yacht one day as we
pop open an imported bottle of Autumn Harvest (The Bomb Edition of course) and
laugh about this little kink in your previously impenetrable armour.

In his defence, I will say that the man rules do state that it is OK for a man to cry in a movie when a brave dog dies to save its owner. And this is sort of on that track. Sort of. A little. Maybe. Just a bit.

Chopper. At the end of his emails, his signature is ‘Department of Awesome’. You are one of a kind man. And to think I almost killed you at Monkey Puzzle that night. I’m so much strongerererer and manly than you.

I bid you good day.

Love, kisses, Zulu's ebony rhythm stick and Hobbo’s mangina
Jamo

Stop all the clocks

Brett Goldin, Esq

I never had the privilege of meeting you, but as we foot skated the streets of life, I felt I knew you. To the world of the irreverent you will be sorely missed. I know that the words “Hi, I’m Brett Goldin and this is drinking orange juice right after you’ve brushed your teeth” will be etched into my mind forever. Thanks for the laughs and being a poster boy for the anti-hero.

Rest In Peace Crazy.

Friday Ramble 14/04/2006

Ola.

We’re not trying to break the fabric of society; just give it that worn in
look.

This is not some paradise
Oh…it’s just where we live

Pretty arb weekend so not much to tell.

I did have the pleasure of having a long drunk conversation with the right honourable Rum. The man who put the “erection” in “pedophile”. Only kidding. He wouldn’t touch a child. He just likes to watch. The man who invented the concept of ‘Hogwarts school of witchcraft and buggery’ (copyright pending). “Potter! Touch Granger!” Awww yeah…

My little prodigal sister is back so that’s nice. She baked rusks for me to take to Mozam. Nothing like a bit of child labour hey?

Smuts - fuck yeah!

I came across this poem today for the first time in many years. If Jabberwocky hasn’t featured somewhere in your past them I’m very sorry for you, but your childhood sucked. I’ve taken the liberty of renaming a certain female body part the “Frumious Bandersnatch”. Lovely.

Jabberwocky
Lewis Carroll

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.'

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

MISSING: 1 x Sheep

Last Seen: here

Distinguishing Features: beautiful blue eyes; handsome face; pasty white skin; chicken legs; female conjoined to his groin; marijuana cigarette poking out of his mouth; Black Label quart attached to his left hand; right hand in your wallet (only kidding guy).

Will answer to: “Shum”; “Shummers”; “Shamari”; “Mr. Handsome”; “I’ve got an extra tequila here, is anyone keen?”; “Hey bra, 20 bucks for a bankie. Good stuff, Swazi Gold”; “Show me your handsome face”; “Can I take a picture?”; “Touch them, they are real”

If found please give him a biscuit.

Mini Me aka Stoopid Chris also has a blog. Those who knew him at Rhodes must be thinking the same as me: “But how? Isn’t he illiterate? Wasn’t he functionally retarded? My pubic hair does look better trimmed.” I think his girlfriend must have helped him with the monosyllabic words. The bigger one’s he just left out completely. He has the attention span of a two year old on crack. Seriously, the kid’s libido is the largest organ in his body, though he wishes it were otherwise. At the end of our first year we had the highest marks of all the guy’s reses on campus and I have to tell you – some of those Indian dudes doing pharmacy must have been super bright because Mini was pretty much treading water. Good times.

Has anyone seen the new Honda ad? One word: fuckin magnificent. It starts out with a handlebar-moustache-wearing, old-school-looking-chap exiting a trailer and hopping onto a motorcycle. Then he sings “the impossible dream” passionately while cruising through the countryside on various Honda products. When you see it, you will know. 3 digits up to the advertising team that came up with it, from the Ramble.

Speaking of awesome ads. The new Peugot 407 Coupe ad. Men are back. Fuckin A. Grr. Fweet.

Was at the movies the other day when a kid who couldn’t have been more than 8 who was caught up in a throng said “Aargh! I’m caught in the flow of life!” That’s some pretty profound stuff coming from an 8 year old I thought. One day he will probably have a blog of his very own. Moving on…

You know what I love? People like Fred. Fred I have known since we were about 5. He is an alcoholic in the true sense of the word. He was told by a doctor in first year that if he didn’t stop drinking he was going to die. He hasn’t done either. The beauty of a guy like Fred is that no matter how bad you are feeling about yourself, there is always something that he has done that is worse. I heard classic last night that I had to repeat: At his mate’s 21st, during the old man’s speech, Fred tried to lunge his mate’s mom. Fred, Fred, Fred…that is awesome form.



A message from Jimmy 12” to me that I thought I would pass on to you (he’s referring to the girlfriend epidemic that has ravaged the friendship circle):

Dude enjoy the trip to Mozam it sounds like it'll be sick and please, please, pretty goddamn please don't fall into the trap and become a soft pussy like the rest of them. There are still some of the good guys left my son stay with us for life is far more fun and interesting as a bachelor. It sounds quite serious Jammo I order you to go out drink several beers and have hot sweaty sex with the first skank that will have you.

For you guy, I will do my best. But only do it because you ask so nicely. Don’t expect me to enjoy it…

Thanks Labs for this little gem. I couldn’t have said it better myself.



Go balls deep my little kiddiewinkels.

Love, kisses and frumious bandersnatch
Jamo.

Fucking Chuck Norris

Hooray for Boobies

Happy National cleavage day.

May those that have them, flaunt them;
and those that don't, appreciate them.

I for one am a fan.

Bless them great and small.

Enjoy the rest of the day party people.
Jamo.

Friday Ramble 07/04/2006

Good moaning.

A Letter to the Birds

Dear Sir/Madam:

A matter of great concern has come to my attention.

Every morning when I come to rouse the beautiful heap of metal that is my Mercedes 230E 1982 123 series from her slumber beneath the trees I find her shrouded. Would you kindly desist from laying your fecal imprint upon my motorized carriage.

The immensity of the guano on my windshield leads me to believe that you are not in fact birds at all. Rather, it would take a small horse to deliver such a volumous payload of digested worms and berries and so I am reclassifying you part of the genus pigg de aviation.

Should you fail to observe my polite requests to cease the offending behaviour, I shall be forced to take a course of action I feel you will regret:

One morning you may wake to find a horses head on the pillow next to you. Take head this warning; it will be your first and final.

Having given you plenty warning I should not feel no guilt in executing with extreme prejudice. Ed Gein was an upstanding example to society compared to the acts of brutality I shall visit upon you and your family. Let’s just say I have a padded room and several hours of Celine Dion’s music and I am not afraid to use them.

Ultimately I might be forced to cry “FREEDOM!” and lop your head off with a broadsword.

I know where you live.

I thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.

Yours with broadsword
The King Prawn

Little known fact about me: I have the coordination of Whitney Houston after a week long herion binge. Any of the mild successes I have had on the sports field can be attributed to my ability to let bigger guys trample me. This skill does not really transfer well to cricket; so it was all fun and games when Hobbo and I played a bit in the nets on Sunday. Without pads. I was like a whimpering little poodle. First Hobbo hurled a really nice yorker into my shins. Then he bowled a faster one that bounced on my knee. Then he said, “I read your ramble this morning,” and launched a beamer at my chest that was impossible to dodge without actually ducking my head into. Thanks Hobbo. Sticks and stones my guy, sticks and stones and well aimed cricket balls.

I was at the petrol station the other evening when there was a massive bang. In the ensuing instant I ducked my head and prepared to do a platoon roll as I imagined the ball of flames that was about to engulf the place. Some punk had overfilled his tyre to bursting point. That stain is never going to come out. And I looked like a bit of a fool rolling around the petrol station GI Joe style.

Dr. Ali Bacher was behind me in traffic the other day. I guess that’s my 15 minutes.

I am a bit of an anal-retentive idiot when it comes to people confusing the use of ‘amount’ and ‘number’. But it really isn’t rocket science. Could you physically count it? Yes: number; No: amount. You can imagine my joy then when, watching the Heineken Cup game between Sale and Biarritz I heard the commentator say “they’ve got a large amount of numbers to the ruck here”. Idiot; I mean your people only invented the language. I’m not even going to go into hick people from Port Elizabeth who confuse ‘lend’ with ‘borrow’.

In a couple of weeks there is a trip planned for Mozambique. There is just one little hitch. Some of my little octad -- to tell you the truth, the only reason I am writing this paragraph is to show that I know the word ‘octad’. It is a cool word. Look it up. It’s Greek but not like the prostitutes do. Even Microsoft Word didn’t know it. – are not too happy with me taking a batch of home made cookies across the border. I don’t know why. The Mozambiquean border post is more likely to sell weed to you than have sniffer dogs. And who is going to confiscate a batch of siff green cookies? Even if we do get cuffed, I promise to pull that move from Super Troopers (and originally Cheech and Chong). Now there are some great movies. Every time I saw one of the guys from the Black Pearl digs (where Super Troopers is quite rightly considered a passage from their holy works of cinematic genius) they would say “Jamo! Have you seen Super Troopers? There is this guy in it that looks exactly like you!” At this point I’m thinking “Really? So what? Brad Pitt is in lots of movies”. As it turns out though, the character to whom they were referring is actually this weird little guy with an afro in the back of a car who eats a bag of shrooms and two baggies of weed when they are about to be busted by the cops.
You just ate two bags of weed?
[nods]
And a bag of shrooms?
[nods]
You owe me $150.
That’s…not…cool, man.

Right, so please send petitions and campaign donations my way.

The Hippie Writer in Fairy Shoes is now writing a weekly column for Powerzone. Slowly but surely the members of the Players list – which by the way is not meant as in ‘playas’ but ‘actors’. That confusion has always annoyed me. JT is not my role-model – are becoming famous. First there was Knaps making headline news for giving birth to a Siberian Husky and now our very own columnist. Anyway, while perusing the other articles at Powerzone I came across one by Worm of the Finks. Read it, it is funny. He reminds me a lot of me. Except he is famous and I am not. We both have animals (is a worm an animal? For that matter, is a King Prawn?) as pseudonyms. Except a King Prawn would so destroy a worm in a battle for Hillary Duff’s oyster.
The King Prawn would be like all “Arrr. Grrr. Nrar nrar nrar.”
And then the worm would be like “ “.
And then the King Prawn would show no mercy and be all up in the worm’s face and attack with a “Nyaaah. Grrr. Fweet. Kaw kaw. Tikki tikki tikki. Moo.”
And then the worm would shriek “ “ in pain.
And then the King Prawn would deliver the killing blow with a “Blood and guts and gore, because Mariah is a whore” because he is a warrior poet like Ghengis Khan. And then Hillary Duff would be his.
Someone should pay me lots of money to write this stuff. Lots. I could probably sell it on E-Bay it’s so rare and random.

Went to Splattermail the other day to find the site replaced with this message:

HACKED By: BrEakerS
CraZiest,Dr.Death & Sw33t-Virus

Admin
Your website is not secure enough,patch up your system and have a nice
day

Specail Greetz to:Net^Devil,Team-Evil,Yanis,WizardZ,Red Devils
Crew,[OverclockiX],The Bekir,Yusuf,KaShTwa & All the Muslim hackers

Email- Craziest@gmail.com

Email-
dr_death_around@hotmail.com>

Computer geeks are an interesting bunch.

If you have time to kill go to Splattermail and read the posts about it, and also the one about the guy with the bet. You have to admire the lengths guys are prepared to go to to fulfill their sexual fantasies.

I bid you guid day.

I almost forgot: GUUUUUUNNNNNERS.

Love, kisses and Kaw kaw, tikki tikki tikki, moo.
Jamo
Fweet. Pardon me.