Friday Ramble 07/04/2006

Good moaning.

A Letter to the Birds

Dear Sir/Madam:

A matter of great concern has come to my attention.

Every morning when I come to rouse the beautiful heap of metal that is my Mercedes 230E 1982 123 series from her slumber beneath the trees I find her shrouded. Would you kindly desist from laying your fecal imprint upon my motorized carriage.

The immensity of the guano on my windshield leads me to believe that you are not in fact birds at all. Rather, it would take a small horse to deliver such a volumous payload of digested worms and berries and so I am reclassifying you part of the genus pigg de aviation.

Should you fail to observe my polite requests to cease the offending behaviour, I shall be forced to take a course of action I feel you will regret:

One morning you may wake to find a horses head on the pillow next to you. Take head this warning; it will be your first and final.

Having given you plenty warning I should not feel no guilt in executing with extreme prejudice. Ed Gein was an upstanding example to society compared to the acts of brutality I shall visit upon you and your family. Let’s just say I have a padded room and several hours of Celine Dion’s music and I am not afraid to use them.

Ultimately I might be forced to cry “FREEDOM!” and lop your head off with a broadsword.

I know where you live.

I thank you in advance for your cooperation in this matter.

Yours with broadsword
The King Prawn

Little known fact about me: I have the coordination of Whitney Houston after a week long herion binge. Any of the mild successes I have had on the sports field can be attributed to my ability to let bigger guys trample me. This skill does not really transfer well to cricket; so it was all fun and games when Hobbo and I played a bit in the nets on Sunday. Without pads. I was like a whimpering little poodle. First Hobbo hurled a really nice yorker into my shins. Then he bowled a faster one that bounced on my knee. Then he said, “I read your ramble this morning,” and launched a beamer at my chest that was impossible to dodge without actually ducking my head into. Thanks Hobbo. Sticks and stones my guy, sticks and stones and well aimed cricket balls.

I was at the petrol station the other evening when there was a massive bang. In the ensuing instant I ducked my head and prepared to do a platoon roll as I imagined the ball of flames that was about to engulf the place. Some punk had overfilled his tyre to bursting point. That stain is never going to come out. And I looked like a bit of a fool rolling around the petrol station GI Joe style.

Dr. Ali Bacher was behind me in traffic the other day. I guess that’s my 15 minutes.

I am a bit of an anal-retentive idiot when it comes to people confusing the use of ‘amount’ and ‘number’. But it really isn’t rocket science. Could you physically count it? Yes: number; No: amount. You can imagine my joy then when, watching the Heineken Cup game between Sale and Biarritz I heard the commentator say “they’ve got a large amount of numbers to the ruck here”. Idiot; I mean your people only invented the language. I’m not even going to go into hick people from Port Elizabeth who confuse ‘lend’ with ‘borrow’.

In a couple of weeks there is a trip planned for Mozambique. There is just one little hitch. Some of my little octad -- to tell you the truth, the only reason I am writing this paragraph is to show that I know the word ‘octad’. It is a cool word. Look it up. It’s Greek but not like the prostitutes do. Even Microsoft Word didn’t know it. – are not too happy with me taking a batch of home made cookies across the border. I don’t know why. The Mozambiquean border post is more likely to sell weed to you than have sniffer dogs. And who is going to confiscate a batch of siff green cookies? Even if we do get cuffed, I promise to pull that move from Super Troopers (and originally Cheech and Chong). Now there are some great movies. Every time I saw one of the guys from the Black Pearl digs (where Super Troopers is quite rightly considered a passage from their holy works of cinematic genius) they would say “Jamo! Have you seen Super Troopers? There is this guy in it that looks exactly like you!” At this point I’m thinking “Really? So what? Brad Pitt is in lots of movies”. As it turns out though, the character to whom they were referring is actually this weird little guy with an afro in the back of a car who eats a bag of shrooms and two baggies of weed when they are about to be busted by the cops.
You just ate two bags of weed?
[nods]
And a bag of shrooms?
[nods]
You owe me $150.
That’s…not…cool, man.

Right, so please send petitions and campaign donations my way.

The Hippie Writer in Fairy Shoes is now writing a weekly column for Powerzone. Slowly but surely the members of the Players list – which by the way is not meant as in ‘playas’ but ‘actors’. That confusion has always annoyed me. JT is not my role-model – are becoming famous. First there was Knaps making headline news for giving birth to a Siberian Husky and now our very own columnist. Anyway, while perusing the other articles at Powerzone I came across one by Worm of the Finks. Read it, it is funny. He reminds me a lot of me. Except he is famous and I am not. We both have animals (is a worm an animal? For that matter, is a King Prawn?) as pseudonyms. Except a King Prawn would so destroy a worm in a battle for Hillary Duff’s oyster.
The King Prawn would be like all “Arrr. Grrr. Nrar nrar nrar.”
And then the worm would be like “ “.
And then the King Prawn would show no mercy and be all up in the worm’s face and attack with a “Nyaaah. Grrr. Fweet. Kaw kaw. Tikki tikki tikki. Moo.”
And then the worm would shriek “ “ in pain.
And then the King Prawn would deliver the killing blow with a “Blood and guts and gore, because Mariah is a whore” because he is a warrior poet like Ghengis Khan. And then Hillary Duff would be his.
Someone should pay me lots of money to write this stuff. Lots. I could probably sell it on E-Bay it’s so rare and random.

Went to Splattermail the other day to find the site replaced with this message:

HACKED By: BrEakerS
CraZiest,Dr.Death & Sw33t-Virus

Admin
Your website is not secure enough,patch up your system and have a nice
day

Specail Greetz to:Net^Devil,Team-Evil,Yanis,WizardZ,Red Devils
Crew,[OverclockiX],The Bekir,Yusuf,KaShTwa & All the Muslim hackers

Email- Craziest@gmail.com

Email-
dr_death_around@hotmail.com>

Computer geeks are an interesting bunch.

If you have time to kill go to Splattermail and read the posts about it, and also the one about the guy with the bet. You have to admire the lengths guys are prepared to go to to fulfill their sexual fantasies.

I bid you guid day.

I almost forgot: GUUUUUUNNNNNERS.

Love, kisses and Kaw kaw, tikki tikki tikki, moo.
Jamo
Fweet. Pardon me.