Friday Ramble 10/03/2006

Good day to you, people of Ramble Land. I hope your journey from one ramble to another has treated you well.

GUUUUUNNERS
SCOOOOTLAND
cats

Check out this wicked cool pic:



It’s not been graphically altered or anything; it is a genuine photograph. It’s based on an idea Adelbert Ames Jr. created in 1946. The girls are normally sized, but the room isn’t. The room is an abnormal six sided figure, but our memory is pre-conditioned to believe that a room is rectangular, so that’s what we see. He even proved that you can do it in open spaces. Cool hmmm?

Escher is cool. He was Dutch. Weed is legal there. Do you think they have perhaps realised that there is a money making spin-off to drugs? I like to think so. Makes me think of Rum for some reason. Maybe because he had a massive Escher poster in his room. Oh, and I also still have one of his doodles from when he was gaffed out of his tree.



Apologies for any copyrights I have infringed. But seeing as how the only person who ever reads this crap is my sister, I reckon I’m safe. Sweet. Plus I’ll get Zulu as my lawyer and the legal system cowers before him.



People crying, people dying, people getting nosebleeds. People taking long walks with people that love them unconditionally. People hanging washing, people watching an old movie for the first time. People swinging on branches, people riding bikes, people celebrating in their favourite pub. People making money, people being shouted at, people buying a pair of socks. People finding a new favourite song. People running into people they haven’t seen or thought about in many years and suddenly realising that the person is someone that they can truly call a friend. People being snapped out of the weariness of a frustrating day by their dog. People having a last one before they go to bed, people having a strong brew to wake. People authorising constitutions. People fighting wars. People breaking other people’s hearts. People altering the course of other people’s lives by uttering something profound. People killing people, People rescuing a spider from the pool. People watching people. People reading magazines, people reading newspapers, people reading the works of Dickens, Tolstoy and Chaucer. People reading Nabokov, people flicking through the publications of Mr. Flynt. People reading the Bible, people hearing the call to evening prayer from their gold-adorned mosque. People going through the agony of having to watch their child fall down before they can learn to ride. People writing to amuse people on a Friday, people amused on a Friday, People who have already stopped reading this on a Friday. People cursing at themselves for having driven into an unseen flowerpot. People mowing the lawn, people landing 400 people safely at an international airport. People in churches getting married, people signing pre-nuptials. People on deathbeds, people at christenings. People and people. People and life.

M’kay people?

Knappy didn’t come play touch rugby on Sunday. Forthwith all his jelly privileges are revoked.



Ok, so I was doing a little research on Jump the Shark. For those who don’t know what it is, it’s a website basically polls when TV shows reach their peak (‘Jumping the Shark’). Why jumping the shark? I tell you only because I am a geek who loves trivia: apparently Fonzi on Happy Days jumped a shark on water skis and that episode is universally regarded as unbeatable in the show’s history A show before my time, so I don’t really know or care. But I digress.

There are some shows that bear the honour of having never jumped the shark. This is quite an honour seeing as how a certain number of people have to vote and the overwhelming majority have to vote in favour. And there are plenty of geeky people out there voting apparently. Which shows are honoured? The Simpsons obviously, because it is, and due to the machinations of TV land, will forever be the greatest TV show. Period. Hands down. Case closed &c. The one that struck me though was Magnum, P.I. Ha. Awesome. You see? Chest hair and ‘taches are very, incredibly, irrevocably, incontestably Fookin’ Cool. With a capital ‘F’ and a capital ‘U’. Tom Selleck, you are a colossus amongst men. You are even forgiven for that gay role in Friends; I understand, a man’s gotta pay the dealer. Fortunately I have a white spot in my mind around 3 Men and a Baby. You get three erect digits from the ramble, my guy.

I have to tell you, I think I would happily cede two losses to the Aussie wankers for a Scottish victory against Ireland this weekend.

The best-laid schemes o mice and men
Gang aft a-gley

On Saturday night I was heavily berated for not relating a story from the previous Saturday in the last ramble. For the satisfaction of certain parties, here it is:

I guess it all started right at the very beginning of the evening when I ran into a girl who I went out with when I was a little whipper-snapper at school. She’s still cool though. And she went to Rhodes. Anyway, she introduced me to a mate of hers who also went to Rhodes (I don’t know why but for some reason I feel the need to insert that as a qualifying statement). We started talking crap, as you do. I had a tartan scarf on in celebration of the Scots mighty victory. She asked why I was wearing a scarf and what I meant to say was “in celebration of the Scots’ mighty victory against the Poms”, but what came out was “because I’m comfortable with people knowing I’m gay”. One of those things that made sense at the time. At this point I have to come clean with you: I was NOT AT ALL HAPPY with how little she protested this. I would even have been happy with “impossible, you’re too badly dressed”, but no, she swallowed it. She asked me what the gay scene at Rhodes had been like, and that was just too much of an invitation…I was into full shite talking mode.

And then suddenly…

She was talking to me about anal sex and all sorts of, ahem, shit. As much as she was trying to glean from me, I was gleaning more from her. The case may be that she was winding me up the same as I was with her, but I am choosing to ignore that possibility. By now I’d had a few and was trying to get her to spread the good gospel of anal sex to all the girls around.

And then suddenly…

She did. It was awesome.

Quite late on in the evening some of the boyos rolled in. I happened to be jamming with these two girls at the time.

And then suddenly…

The two girls were scoring. I’m not sure how, but I seem to have gained credit for orchestrating the phenomenon.

Monday morning, 8:14, I got an email from Chip:

Jamo... u beauty! I have never seen more aggressive lesbos kissing than at
Colony on Saturday....

And he went to Rondebosch Boys…

I am here but to serve Chippie my son.

Who berated me for not relating the story? The lesbian ex-girlfriend in question. No pleasing some. Happy now GRS?

[Ed note: Commers, sorry bud, but your girlfriend is lesbian. Ed out.]

While scrounging through my CD collection looking for my old Metallica stuff in preparation for the impending concert of a lifetime, I came across some old school Deftones. Knife Party. One of the kieffest drum beats ever. Knaps, Smythers, Will and Filth (wherever you may be), I know you feel me.

Do you know what the Vietnamese currency is? The Dong. No lies.

Pg 1
The story thus far…
You are in Vietnam, somewhere near the Ho Chi Minh trail. You spot an old codger working his rice paddy and approach. As you get closer you spot a gorgeous nubile creature behind him. Your appetite yearns to taste a little of the local cuisine. You consult your phrase book.
-- If you find the phrase successfully and correctly ask “how many Dong for some food?” go to Pg 2.
-- If you seem to have purchased the Vietnamese-Nauruan Phrase Book and end up asking “how many Dongs for you daughter?” go to Pg 3.

Pg 2
He says “2 Dong” which seems reasonable so you go in and eat. It’s nice. You are making headway with the daughter. Then Knaps tries to eat their rice stash for the monsoon season. Go to Pg 3.

Pg 3
You are suddenly presented with an ex-Viet Cong wildly wielding a machete. He has the crazed look in his eye, just like Stone Cold when you tune his mom.
-- If you choose to use Knaps as a ‘human’ shield go to Pg 4.
-- If you choose to fight the old codger go to Pg 5.
-- If you choose to try reason with the crazed old man go to Pg 6.

Pg 4
Your ploy works successfully. After half an hour of hacking, the old codger manages to fell the beast. He is delighted, saying “this feed our village for many weeks!” He adds “we sell some – many Dong from such a beast. The redness is very rare.” He is so pleased, that he offers his daughter to you. Go to Pg 16.

Pg 5
The old man turns out to be a wiry old devil.
-- If you possess the Broken Bottle of Gauol go to Pg 7.
-- If you possess the 10-in-1 Penknife of Armee du Suisse go to Pg 8.
-- If you do not possess any weapons go to Pg 13.
-- If you are a girl go to Pg 15.

Pg 6
You try placating the old man by gesticulating for him to calm down. He stops advancing towards you, but his menacing look tells that the respite is unlikely to last long. You decide to try your hand at bartering.
-- If you possess the Potion of Shroom Magic go to Pg 9.
-- If you possess the Pleasure Herb go to Pg 10.
-- If you possess one of Knaps’ old, crusty ‘gym’ socks go to Pg 11.

Pg 7
Having been in many a drunken bar brawl you understand the necessity of always carrying your trusty companion the Broken Bottle of Gauol. You are just like a Boy Scout. Except you shave and know how to stab a guy in the face with a broken bottle and not much about sewing. Unable to sweet-talk the old man with the finer points of needlework, you stab him in the face. The daughter throws her arms around you.

Pg 8
It turns out that a penknife really isn’t a very effective weapon at all, even if it is of the Armee du Suisse variety. That, combined with the wiry-ness of the old bugger and his experience in the Viet Cong make for one very brief, but bloody battle. You manage to get in a few good stabs but unfortunately most of them are into your own thigh. You lie on the ground with more holes in you than Sheik’s defense.
-- If you possess the Band-Aid Amulet go to Pg 12.
-- If you do not possess the Band-Aid Amulet go to Pg 13.
-- If you possess the Chest Hair of Tom Selleck go to Pg 14.

Pg 9
You’d been saving the Potion of Shroom Magic for a special occasion. Trying to avoid being maimed by a machete wielding Vietnamese probably classes as a special occasion. You whip it out. A smile bursts across the old man’s face and the machete drops to the floor. Grinning like a man whose just come home to find Kate Beckinsale in his bed, he grabs the bag and motions you into his hut. The two of you bond over the Potion. It’s good. Every one of the old man’s wrinkles seems to become a individual smile. They all laugh with you. Hahahaha. Ha. Before you know it, the two of you have finished the Pleasure Herb too. You pass out under the stars. In the morning the old man’s daughter cooks you breakfast and he offers you her hand. Go to Pg 16.

Pg 10
You’d been saving the Pleasure Herb for a special occasion. Trying to avoid being maimed by a machete wielding Vietnamese probably classes as a special occasion. You whip it out. A smile bursts across the old man’s face and the machete drops to the floor. Grinning like a man whose just come home to find Kate Beckinsale in his bed, he grabs the bag and motions you into his hut. The two of you bond over the Pleasure Herb. It’s good. Every one of the old man’s wrinkles seems to become a individual smile. They all laugh with you. Hahahaha. Ha. Before you know it, the two of you have finished the Potion of Shroom Magic too. You pass out under the stars. In the morning the old man’s daughter cooks you breakfast and he offers you her hand. Go to Pg 16.

Pg 11
You sheepishly produce Knaps’ sock. Knaps’ eyes grow wide and he exclaims, “hey, I’ve been looking everywhere for that!” He grabs it out of your hand and dashes into the bushes. What happens next would will definitely be left out of the Disney version of the story. The old man butchers you severely for a while before finally slitting your throat. Go to Pg 13.

Pg 12
The Band-Aid Amulet works it’s magic. You look like a giant advert for Disney Characters, but you escape with your life and a great story.

Pg 13
Like so many before you, you bleed to death on the Ho Chi Minh Trail. Knaps, unable to fend for himself is at a loss. Once your corpse has been devoured (in one sitting), his body starts to use up his fat reserves. Two years later, just before he dies, it turns out that he is actually quite a handsome devil under all that mass. Too bad no is there to see it.

Pg 14
The Chest Hair of Tom Selleck with it’s teflon-like strength acts like chain mail, protecting all your major organs. You are so hard. Have a little look in the mirror. Now lick your finger and touch your…sorry where was I? Oh ya, go to Pg 16

Pg 15
You show him your boobs. He dies a sudden but happy death like Blue in Old School. You live the rest of your days a sensational lesbian experience with his daughter, becoming happy millionaires with your ultra successful pay-per-view webcam uplink.

Pg 16
You and the daughter live happily ever after. She was trained by her communist government from age 2 as a gymnast. There are many, many R18 (NV) bits. She cooks and cleans too. And has a trust fund.

I had so many ideas for that story its’ ridiculous. In the end I had to limit myself cause it’s a bit exponential in nature and would have taken me years. Maybe one day. ‘Naive Knappy Versus the Prostitutes of the World: Choose Your Own Adventure’. That has a nice ring to it.

On Saturday night gavin@stragenos reminded me that it was that Lent time of year again. The foolish man is giving up drinking. Seriously, why not give up something easier, like breathing or sleeping. Anyway, that got me thinking about the nature of lent. Why is it that people choose this time of year to give up their vices – I mean apart from the whole Jesus did it thing. But I reckon, it’s the one time of year that your chances are actually far better than usual. Normally the only person you are disappointing is a friend or lover or family member or even yourself. They are human and therefore fallible. You can reason with them, even if it’s only in your mind. But God...you fail the all powerful and that’s a different story. There is no arguing or reasoning your way out of it. You made a promise and broke it. Simple as that. With the burden of eternal guilt, it’s really not in your best interests to default on the whole lent thing then. Just a thought.

Let me take this opportunity to apologise to those of you who have emailed and I haven’t responded. Laingers and Mullins, you dudes are the ones that spring to mind. No excuses really, I’m just a bit pathetic.

This Saturday I make my debut for the same rugby side, in the same position my old man played 38 years ago. How wicked is that? It has such a nice wheel hath come full circle vibe to it.

And I’m spent. Was it as good for you as me?
Didn’t think so.

Enjoy the weekend,
Keep a cool tool fool.

Love, kisses and piety.
Jamo.