A Tall Tale

Introduction:That was probably one of the most different weekends that I have everhad in the 23 years, 2 months and 6 days of my humble existence. Itstarted by watching Kill Bill 2 on Friday night, the brilliant secondhalf of an excellent film. That in itself (watching Kill Bill) doesnot seem strange, other than the fact that it was the first time thatI have watched a movie on a Friday night in a very very long time.Kill Bill was merely a means to an end, and that end was to stayawake. You see, I had to be at the Bank at midnight, and I felt thatif I did have some sleep, I would feel terrible when I had to wake upand trek up the escarpment to Mbabane from the lovely Ezulwini Valley.So I did not sleep, and trekked up the escarpment to Mbabane from thelovely Ezulwini Valley feeling as fresh a sunflower at dawn.Chapter 1:I arrived at the Swaziland Standard Bank Head Offices in Mbabane ataround midnight. The air outside was crisp, and it generally tends tobe at the witching hour. The implementation had already begun, and wasgoing well. I was required to assist, and assistance is what Iprovided. I got really tired at around 3 am and had a 5 minute catnap,only to awake and feel like absolute rubbish. This is the boring partof the story, so I will hurry along: just know that I was tired, andleft the Bank at 6:30 in the morning, went and had some breakfast atthe hotel, and promptly fell asleep at 7:21:53 am, after putting myhead on my pillow at 7:21:52 am.Chapter 2:I awoke at 11:30 am, feeling as fresh as a sunflower at dusk. I washungry. So I ate. And I had a draught. And it was good. In fact, itwas really nice, we sat in the sun at the Royal Swazi Spa and had adelightful lunch. Colonial best describes the atmosphere and settingsthat one finds oneself in at the Royal Swazi Sun and Spa. It really isa nice hotel, I wish that I had stayed there. Nonetheless, the Lugogo
place; however I am now sick of the place, a feeling that has beenaroused from staying in the hotel for too long. But I digress. So theafternoon was spent in the sun, drinking Pineapple Ferry\'s, TomCollins\' and Gin Fizz\'s. A healthy start, I might add. The afternoonslowly filtered into evening, and we went for dinner at a nicerestaurant, where I proceeded to have the best seafood curry I haveever had. Now, I found this odd, Swaziland being a landlocked countryand all. I had quite a few gin and tonics, and some red wine, allwashed down with an Irish coffee. And so dinner came to a close.Chapter 3:Now this is when the interesting part began. Everyone thought that theevening was drawing to a close, but, as so often happens, weunexpectedly blinked and found ourselves in the hotel\'s bar. And whenone is in a bar one must do what patrons do: drink. So I did. Moregin. Double shots. Which led us to deciding that we needed toexperience Swaziland\'s notorious nightlife: and promptly headed off tothe Why Not Disco. Now I must fill you in on what we had heard aboutthe Why Not, so that you know what I knew before I went in. You see,the Why Not is infamous for its ladies, its pole fraternising ladies.We were assured by the doorman (who as you will see turned out to be aliar) that there was no \'funny business\' in the \'outer\' circle, the\'funny business\' happened in the \'inner\' circle. You see, we had someladies with us, and they did not care to be privy to such going-ons ofsuch an establishment (I\'ll have you know, that neither did I for thatmatter. A lovely Ugandan man by the name of Edgar wanted to find some\'lady company\', hence the initial drift towards the Why Not in thefirst place).There was no-one on the dance floor. In fact, there was no-one in the\'outer\' circle. So we drank some more, and danced. Ripped it up. It",1]
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Sun (which means the skinning of cattle in SiSwati) is not a badplace; however I am now sick of the place, a feeling that has beenaroused from staying in the hotel for too long. But I digress. So theafternoon was spent in the sun, drinking Pineapple Ferry's, TomCollins' and Gin Fizz's. A healthy start, I might add. The afternoonslowly filtered into evening, and we went for dinner at a nicerestaurant, where I proceeded to have the best seafood curry I haveever had. Now, I found this odd, Swaziland being a landlocked countryand all. I had quite a few gin and tonics, and some red wine, allwashed down with an Irish coffee. And so dinner came to a close.Chapter 3:Now this is when the interesting part began. Everyone thought that theevening was drawing to a close, but, as so often happens, weunexpectedly blinked and found ourselves in the hotel's bar. And whenone is in a bar one must do what patrons do: drink. So I did. Moregin. Double shots. Which led us to deciding that we needed toexperience Swaziland's notorious nightlife: and promptly headed off tothe Why Not Disco. Now I must fill you in on what we had heard aboutthe Why Not, so that you know what I knew before I went in. You see,the Why Not is infamous for its ladies, its pole fraternising ladies.We were assured by the doorman (who as you will see turned out to be aliar) that there was no 'funny business' in the 'outer' circle, the'funny business' happened in the 'inner' circle. You see, we had someladies with us, and they did not care to be privy to such going-ons ofsuch an establishment (I'll have you know, that neither did I for thatmatter. A lovely Ugandan man by the name of Edgar wanted to find some'lady company', hence the initial drift towards the Why Not in thefirst place).There was no-one on the dance floor. In fact, there was no-one in the'outer' circle. So we drank some more, and danced. Ripped it up. It
the only occupants of the dance floor, but the cages above the stagesbecame resident to dancing ladies. Interesting. Since Parishka (alovely girl) comes from a conservative Indian family in Durban. Shehad wide-eyes. And so we danced like that until about 2:30 am Sundaymorning, when the girls said enough, the madness must end! Now, I havenever been one to know when to stop, and I was not about to start inSwaziland. So, Brian and I decided to stay and drink some more, alongwith two Ugandan men, and a dear Tanzanian lady. And so we migratedinto the \'inner\' circle.Chapter 4:Two white boys in a strip club in Swaziland. I have always believedthat life is about experiences that you will never forget. This is oneof them. I laughed so hard, it really was amusing. Jan babe, I did notat any one point feel any arousal whatsoever. It was all hellavufunny, a good laugh. I had by now moved onto the whiskeys, somethingthat many of you will know that I move onto later on in the evening.So, there I was, enjoying the whiskey, but not much else. Not muchelse can be said, because it was just one of those times when you hadto be there. We left at 4 am, and I cleverly/stupidly decided to phoneJan: the silly girl answered. What I said to her, only she can reallysay, but I know that I was drunk. Enough said.Chapter 5:It was hot. The air was thick, and the sheets stuck to my body becauseof a thin layer of sweat. The phone was ringing. As I tenderly movedto answer it, a wave of nausea washed over my body. Rob was on theother end, telling me to be ready in an hour to go play golf. Fine, Isaid, see you then. Goodness. I thought I was going to die. We hadspoken about golf the day before, before I had gone to Why Not. Ireally wanted to play golf, I had gone for a run around the golf",1]
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was intense, have not danced like that in about 8 years. We remainedthe only occupants of the dance floor, but the cages above the stagesbecame resident to dancing ladies. Interesting. Since Parishka (alovely girl) comes from a conservative Indian family in Durban. Shehad wide-eyes. And so we danced like that until about 2:30 am Sundaymorning, when the girls said enough, the madness must end! Now, I havenever been one to know when to stop, and I was not about to start inSwaziland. So, Brian and I decided to stay and drink some more, alongwith two Ugandan men, and a dear Tanzanian lady. And so we migratedinto the 'inner' circle.Chapter 4:Two white boys in a strip club in Swaziland. I have always believedthat life is about experiences that you will never forget. This is oneof them. I laughed so hard, it really was amusing. Jan babe, I did notat any one point feel any arousal whatsoever. It was all hellavufunny, a good laugh. I had by now moved onto the whiskeys, somethingthat many of you will know that I move onto later on in the evening.So, there I was, enjoying the whiskey, but not much else. Not muchelse can be said, because it was just one of those times when you hadto be there. We left at 4 am, and I cleverly/stupidly decided to phoneJan: the silly girl answered. What I said to her, only she can reallysay, but I know that I was drunk. Enough said.Chapter 5:It was hot. The air was thick, and the sheets stuck to my body becauseof a thin layer of sweat. The phone was ringing. As I tenderly movedto answer it, a wave of nausea washed over my body. Rob was on theother end, telling me to be ready in an hour to go play golf. Fine, Isaid, see you then. Goodness. I thought I was going to die. We hadspoken about golf the day before, before I had gone to Why Not. Ireally wanted to play golf, I had gone for a run around the golf
played a really nice course before as well, so I had to go. And thisis what I told myself. So I very slowly and gingerly pulled myselftogether. I pumped the aircon, had a cold shower, and suffered througha bout of hiccups, which almost turned into an episode of a Knaptonspecial. But I held on.We teed off at midday, and it was hot. And I was hanging. And my firstshot was embarrassing. Right in front of the clubhouse. Didn\'t make itto the ladies tee. Oh well I thought, at least I got that out of mysystem. Off the second tee, there was an minnie valley right in frontof tee off. As Jamo and Gump know, I don\'t do well with obstacles infront of me. And I did not do well this time either. Ball number 1 of6 lost. The Royal Swazi Golf Course is awesome. The best course I haveever played. The course snakes along the foot of the mountain, theLugogo mountain. Lots of up and down holes, and it had been raininglots, so the grass and trees were all very green. I will have youknow, that other than those two really bad moments, I played the bestgolf I have ever played. You should be jealous Gump, I was justthinking about how much you would have enjoyed playing this course thewhole 18 holes. I sure did. My best moment in golf so far. I will alsohave you know that by the time the 10th hole came along, I was hitting180m-200m drives off the tee with a driver. I was hitting the ball thesweetest that I have ever done, and it felt great. Really great.In Closing:I am the happiest man in the world that I pulled myself towards myselfand went to go play 18 holes of golf on a lovely course yesterday. Thebest part of it all was coming back to the hotel at 5:30 pm, and Brianhad only just got out of bed. Man, it felt good to not pull a Knapton.See you all on Friday.",0]
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course earlier on in the week and it is really beautiful. I had neverplayed a really nice course before as well, so I had to go. And thisis what I told myself. So I very slowly and gingerly pulled myselftogether. I pumped the aircon, had a cold shower, and suffered througha bout of hiccups, which almost turned into an episode of a Knaptonspecial. But I held on.We teed off at midday, and it was hot. And I was hanging. And my firstshot was embarrassing. Right in front of the clubhouse. Didn't make itto the ladies tee. Oh well I thought, at least I got that out of mysystem. Off the second tee, there was an minnie valley right in frontof tee off. As Jamo and Gump know, I don't do well with obstacles infront of me. And I did not do well this time either. Ball number 1 of6 lost. The Royal Swazi Golf Course is awesome. The best course I haveever played. The course snakes along the foot of the mountain, theLugogo mountain. Lots of up and down holes, and it had been raininglots, so the grass and trees were all very green. I will have youknow, that other than those two really bad moments, I played the bestgolf I have ever played. You should be jealous Gump, I was justthinking about how much you would have enjoyed playing this course thewhole 18 holes. I sure did. My best moment in golf so far. I will alsohave you know that by the time the 10th hole came along, I was hitting180m-200m drives off the tee with a driver. I was hitting the ball thesweetest that I have ever done, and it felt great. Really great.In Closing:I am the happiest man in the world that I pulled myself towards myselfand went to go play 18 holes of golf on a lovely course yesterday. Thebest part of it all was coming back to the hotel at 5:30 pm, and Brianhad only just got out of bed. Man, it felt good to not pull a Knapton.See you all on Friday.