Friday Ramble 17/03/2006

Horns up!!!
I can’t wait. Metal Thrashing Mad!!! Well that was Anthrax, but you know what I mean.

Rise up my fellow maniacs,
Please do come in for tea.
Join in all brother weirdo cracks,
‘Tis time for us to be.

Holy hell what a week.
Since last we met:
Friday –
Baked the meanest Mocca Chocolate Cheesecake in history.
Made the meanest Curried Butternut Soup in history.
Mourned my tragic loss to metrosexual fagism.
Had a nice braai at Knaps’ place.
Went out with Dan the Furniture Guy to Citrus Lounge. Was told by a very pretentious person who thinks that only very trendy alternative people go to clubs that are warehouses in town “Oh…I didn’t know you came to this sort of place?”. I think she was bummed because we arrived later than her and only the cool and trendy arrive at clubs at 2. Yes well…and bar louts too apparently. Deal with it. Spent R50 on a double cane and coke. Was not impressed. Bar louts should not go to cool, trendy places. Realised that all shots were R10. Bought a triple Jack Daniels for good measure. Was more impressed.
Went back to crash at Knaps’ place for some inexplicable reason. Skateboarded into a door to redeem myself from metrosexual fagism. It didn’t work. Now I just have a bruise on my forehead and a limp…ahem, limp.

Saturday –
Played rugby. In Kempton – spent the better part of an hour finding the damn stadium. That place is another universe.
Dislocated my shoulder in the first game of the season just for a change.
Had a few beers and a few Myprodols and a little 20 year old Witblitz while watching rugby.
Little hazy from there. Colony, I think. The ‘Get Jamo Laid’ night didn’t bear fruit.

Sunday –
Consumed aforementioned meanest Cheesecake and Soup in history, as well as my old man’s world famous Lamb on the Weber. Hippie Writer in Fairy Shoes, I think it’s name was Buttons.
Watched the greatest cricket match of all time while consuming a little bit of wine.
Went out and made a tit of myself. Yes, there was a girl involved; who when asked if they are keen to go grab some coffee says “cool, but I was just off to meet some mates at the pub, why don’t you join us?” I do apparently. As Gumpers so accurately pointed out “that’s at least 1 point”.
Slept like the dead.

Monday –
Weekends worth of losers.
Started watching a movie called Waking Life. I think it was created by shooting live action footage and then artists painting heavily over it. I am a huge fan of grahic novel style movies, but this one was about dreams versus reality and so they had stylized it hectically. Everything was in perpetual motion; even the background. After five minutes I had to stop watching and I still felt seasick for the next hour.
Best episode of Malcolm in the Middle ever.

Tuesday –
Gumpers’ big birthday dinner. Ate the all you can eat carvery at Brazilian Eatery which was awesome and heinous at the same time.

Wednesday –
Had a bath. Shaved. Napped. Achieved world peace. Scratched testicles. Napped again. Was threatened with a lawsuit by the makers of a popular TV show for spoiling their plot line with the whole world peace thing. Dissolved world peace. Scratched testicles. Composed my own version of Happy Gimore’s ‘Happy Place’ in my head. Ok, it was very similar. Just more blondes, more beer and less clothing. Naptime.

Thursday –
Shopped for Mr. Min, Jik Toilet and Household cleaner and bread.
Also found a Listerine pocket pack thingy that was pretty much full but all the strips had been fused together in the sun or something. You’ve got to, right? It burned like the fire of a thousand STDs. Holy duck for about an hour I thought I would never feel my mouth again.




I have to admit to drawing some inspiration from the Cyanide and Happiness comics for that one. Low-tech is cool. For your Friday work avoidance pleasure, I have compiled a little highlights package:

Pregnant
I laughed at that. Ironically enough, it is the generally agreed upon method of contraception in certain circles in which I have been known to travel. I think it was created by the same mastermind of the ‘fill her up and deal with it the morning’ method of contraception. They didn’t teach that in Std 6 biology. We were left to create that all by ourselves. You have a lot of time to create such things when you aren’t in fact getting to practice them.

Bad News

Fat
Remind you of anyone?

Breakup

Help

Marshmallow

Cat

Start Something

Poison
This one made me think of Smythers for some reason.

Dartboard
That one made me think of me.

junk

Last Friday something crazy happened to me. I received an email from the one and only Jimmy 12”. Of icrashedmycaragain1982@hotmail.com fame. That still cracks me up. Anyway, via the grapevine I had heard about some of his exploits, and had indeed published them in the ramble. He just put it so well in the email, I thought it was worth repeating. Some people never change. For those of you who don’t know him: if at Rhodes I fell down, it was Jimmy’s hands that did the pushing. That’s a metaphor Hobbo. A metaphor Hobbo is the application of a phrase or term as a descriptive term, but that is not literal. Anyway, enough teaching the farmer.

Jimmy Paddy Frankie say:

I arrived here on the twelth of December not
knowing what to expect and man was I unprepared. The first couple of weeks were
shite, I cleaned chalets all day everyday as they hadn't been cleaned properly
all summer. Once I got my first boarding session in however my view quickly
changed. Snowboarding is hard to describe it is harder to get right than
say having it off with a Rhodes girl, it is also far more rewarding. It is quite
simply the greatest way to pass the time besides perhaps a bit of intercourse,
but this is up for debate.

Anyway christmas was pretty full on my first one in
snow, I was still getting into the swing of things and the cleaning was killing
me. I arrived late for breakfast on christmas morning but it was all good how
can anyone get mad on christmas. Then new years came round the corner and it was
insane. I went down to the town square with a bunch of people I work with and a
few of their mates as well as this stunning au-pair who was staying in my
chalet. I proceeded to get decidedly drunk, hook up with this fit serbian
au-pair and carry on till the sun came up. That was not the end of it as I
managed to get new years day off I spent the first day of the year cutting fresh
lines in powder all over the mountain after having shagged a beautiful girl, it
was about as close to a perfect day as you could come. Unfortunately Jelena (the
serb) had to leave a few days after that but I got a few sessions in so its all
good, I mean who can say they have shagged a fit serbian.

The rest of January was pretty chilled with work
got lots of boarding in and quite a few boozy nights. This place has
actually done me alot of good, I've lost weight hardly smoking ciggs or spliff,
no drugs and less drinking, I'm feeling goooood.

February was a nightmare, really busy and I got
fuckall snowboarding in but what can you do. I did however manage to hook up
with an Alaskan bird who turned out to be more attracted to the fairer sex
however she succumed to my charms what can I say. I've been with her for a few
week s now and I must say she is showing me a thing or two in the bedroom its
great I'm getting more action here than ever, whoopi!!

I can quite honestly say the man hasn’t changed one bit. Irish luck or something, I guess. He did also say “shame, why are you so mean to Knappy” which would suggest that he has changed, but I reckon it had to be sarcasm.

I would like to bid Knappy’s little sister a warm welcome to Johannesburg. Anytime you want, just take my hand and I will show you the sights and sounds and king-sized beds. A man must sometimes live vicariously through his mind.

Ciao.
Love, kisses and Thrashes of Metal.
Jamo.