Friday Ramble 31/03/2006

Hi kiddies,

On Saturday I went to a ball style thingy which was largely populated by Old Rhodians. It was fun. Anyway, during the course of the evening I had one of those moments with a girl where you look at each other and there is recognition that you just can’t place. A few beers later I ended up talking to her and even managed to remember her name (unusual for me since I’m notoriously good with faces and bad with names). There was a lot of recognition on her part and she acted as though we had been best mates for ages. I kept racking my brains, trying to work out how and why I knew her. I assumed it was some Rhodes connection but I couldn’t place her in a group of friends or sport or cultural group or anything. I moved on to the Colony Arms and she happened to be there too, so ended up chatting to her some more; the whole time trying to place her. Labs came up to chat so I introduced the two of them. The instant I saw her facial response it all came pouring back to me. “Yes, we’ve met”. Labs had no idea, so he proceeded trying mildly get into her pants. I left the two of them to go in search of greener pastures. Half an hour later Labs hunted me down and asked where the hell he’d met her before. You see, while she had been to Rhodes – the first time I’d encountered her was when Labs had moonlit strolls on the beach with her on Matric Rage. Hahahaha. Sorry mate. She was the lady to whom Karel picked up a tot paddle and uttered the infamous words strike“here, shove this up her”. Some things are better left unsaid.

Do you know what I hate? Automated doors. You always end up walking towards them a little faster than they sense you and open; so you are left with two options: do a really stupid looking Campese shuffle with ten bags of groceries or break your bloody nose on the thing. Damn modern technology. That actually reminds me of something that happened a few years ago. I was going into a Truworths or something with my gran and when the automated doors opened for us she turned to a mannequin and said “thank you”. Shoot me before I get old. Hey, hey, hey, not that long before.

A little birdie clad in leather wrist straps and plaid pants told me that Lagwagon is coming to town. Now there is a band from my youth who I’d love to see if ever there was one. Check out “Beer Goggles” for one of my favourite punk songs of all time.

I bought a litre box-wine for cooking that looks remarkably like long-life milk. My maid can’t read so good. Oh how I laughed.

From time to time I get a copy of the questionnaire below in various guises. There were some piss-poor responses from some of the Boyos. Being included in mailing lists where guys are shmarmy to their girlfriends does not amuse me. So I decided to hold up the manly end of stupid time-wasting rubbish. Don’t get me wrong – I like time wasting rubbish. And you’ve read this far, so clearly you do too.

Getting to know Jamo
AKA notashrimp
AKA The King Prawn
AKA “I’m so sorry, I have a boyfriend…”
AKA Mr. Hillary Duff.

Last person who...

1. Slept in your bed?
Me. I sent the bitch home. Sigh. Honalee is a nice place.

2. Saw you cry?
I don’t cry unless I’m cape coloured drunk and then I have no idea who bears witness – self-preservation mechanisms are cool.

3. Made you cry?
Mrs. Smythers with her ‘shrunken puppies in glass jars horror’ email. How I laughed til I cried.

4. You went to the movies with?
Um…it’s been a while…Labs I think?

5. You went to the mall with?
I don’t do malls. They freak me out. All those people…judging me.

6. One thing you could take back?
Being one of the most inattentive, useless boyfriends in history. It’s a good thing I’m so handsome.

7. Said please facef I love you?
Nobody loves me.

8. Missed call You?
TV License Department. They’re going to pursue legal measures with me soon…again.

The last..

1.funny thing you said to someone? ”Ya, I’d fuck Mariah…just to make her bleed.” I thought it was funny.

2.furry thing you touched?
Does it count if it’s furry at the base?

3.What did your last text message on your phone say?
NEW! Erotic Pamela Anderson video sent right to your phone! SMS PA04 to 31455 now!
When I find out who added me to that mailing list I am going to hunt them down and beat them to death with a replica Peter North dildo.

4. song that was stuck in your head:
Kulidz – Kaapse Ding.
“Rol ek op my venster, want hy’s ‘n fockin’ gengster”.

DMX – Nasty Nigga
“I got blood on my hands and there’s no remorse
I got blood on my dick cause I fucked the corpse
I’m a nasty nigga.”

Hee hee hee. He said ‘nigga’.

5. Said "I Love You" and meant it?
Sunday morning. 2:30 am. Car-guard at Colony.

6. Got into a fight with your pet?
Have you seen my dog? Fighting her would be like taking a Checkers packet with a couple of toothbrushes in it and shaking vigorously. Poor thing.

7a. Been to California?
Is that that club in Brokhorstspruit?

7b. Been to China?
No mate.

7c. Been to Canada?
Yes. Met my future wife there. 16 year old national gymnast. Mmm. I was also 16 at the time perverts. I’m glad I can still remember her like that. Mmm.

7d. Been to Europe?
Oui.

8. Danced naked?
Ha. Hahahaha. No brainer. Actually…does waving my man python at girls shouting “WOO…WOO…” count as dancing?

I am destined to be without sex forever.

9. Wish you were the opposite sex?
These questions were without question compiled by a woman. I do not know a single guy who would answer in the positive unless it had something to do with getting into girls changing rooms.

10.Ever "spilled the beans"?
I didn’t so much ‘spill’ the beans as hurl them around a crowded bar. Sorry Smythers and Mrs Smythers. It was about their sex life. It was at the Rhodes reunion. Never tell me anything. Ever.

11.Ever click on "PopUps" or Banners?
Is that trendy slang for squeezing pimples or in-growns?

12. Played strip poker?
No. Strip pool?

13. Gotten beaten up?
Yes. Just call me porcelain jaw. In my defense he was a bouncer and I am a 60 pound weakling.

14. Pulled an all nighter?
No. I’m more of a 30 seconds for foreplay; 60 seconds on the job; 20 seconds of obligatory small-talk kind of guy.

15. Been on radio / TV?
Radio – RMR: The Mini Me show. It was about 2 in the morning and no one was listening but I did get some Iron Maiden played.
TV – Corne and Twakkie: dressed like a mullet. They didn't ask me back. I don’t have that ‘TV look’.

16. Been in a mosh-pit?
Metal thrashing mad. Many in my misspent youth. And Smythers – we did not mosh to Tweak. They are gay; it was the Hogs, Fuzi and the Finks.

17. Do you have any gay / lesbian friends?
I am the only gay in the village.

18. Skinny dipped?
Mhmm. With the Editor of Scope’s daughter. Got caught by campus security too. I’ll claim that.

In the last 24 Hours have you...

1. Cried?
Another question that proves this was composed by a woman.
In the last 30 seconds how many moods have you had?

2. Bought something?
A collar for our Kreepy.

3. Gotten sick?
Who the hell asks a question like that? Would you like to check my prostate while you’re at it?

4. Sang?
No. I like the earth without a crack through the centre.

5. Been kissed?
Yes.

6. Felt stupid?
I don’t feel stupid. Just myself.

7. Talked to an ex?
No. Emailed. She’s just got into the whole modern technology thing. You should see her phone: it’s one of the first PDA style ones. When she speaks on it she looks like she’s wearing a laptop on her head.

8. Missed someone?
I didn’t see Mariah today so I had nothing to aim at.

10. Hugged someone?
My pillow. How else was I going to get a kiss?

1. Do you have a crush on someone?
Yes. That is when you camp outside their house just in case you catch a glimpse of the top of their head and tap into their phone-lines and ‘accidentally knock over their rubbish bins and smell their used female products right? Hillary Duff you will be mine, oh yes…

2. What book are you reading now?
The King James Bible – no lies.

3. Worst feeling in the world?
Pregnancy scare.

4. Future KIDS names?
Further proof this was written by a woman. I think I speak for all men when I say see number 3 above.

5. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?
No, I’m currently between girlfriends.

6. What's under your bed?Well starched tissues. See 5.

7.Favorite sport to watch?
That would be rugby ghostrider. Woman’s volleyball isn’t a sport; it’s soft porn.

8. Location?
??? Between my hip and my other self. Tickle it and see.

9. Piercings / Tattoos?
I have a sort of tattoo on my arm where I was impaled by a palisade fence that left some paint.

10. Do you drink?
No. I absorb the liquids necessary for living from the atmosphere. Stupid chick who compiled this – perhaps you should be learning to compile sentences that mean what you intend instead of compiling drivel.

11. What are you most scared of?
I quite liked The Hippie Writer in Fairy Shoes’ answer to this and I’m going to steal it: being forgotten and leaving this world with no legacy.

12.Where do you want to get married?
A cemetery. Think about it. I bury someone that day.

13. Who do you really hate?
Humourless people who take themselves too seriously.

14. Do you have a job?
Hahaha. No. Sob.

15. Do you like being around people?
Yes. They don’t necessarily like being around me.

16. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with?
No. Hillary you will be mine…oh yes…

17. Have you ever cried?
What’s with all the crying questions? Asked and answered. PMS is no excuse to be retarded.

18.When you look at yourself in the mirror?
Is this part 2 of the last question? Every morning of my life.

19.How much cash do you have on you?
Coins don’t count as cash. R0.00.

20. what is your main ring tone on your phone?
Nokia default I think.

21. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Having a couple of beers with some of the Boyos watching Champion League. Blessed.

22. What's a saying that you say a lot?
”No worries.”
“Sweating like a whore in church.”
“Mariah is a whore.”
Check it out Mrs Smythers, I didn’t say anything about “chunder” or “cunt” or even “chundering on my cunt” and especially not “chundering out of…” Ok that’s enough. I think I’ve made my point.

23. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
None. Got the one from grad ball a year ago done last week. I’m efficient like that.

24. What is your current desktop picture?
The ‘Punk Girl’ from The Queers album cover.

So now you know.

Peace out everybody.
Love, kisses and facef
Jamo