Friday Ramble 11/11/2005

A certain Scal person, who shall remain nameless, faceless and dateless, sent me an email telling me that people need to learn how to use email properly and not hit ‘reply all’ to the ramble. You are annoyed, isn’t? ‘Reply all’ has done its job.

Violent Femmes were all I hoped they could be and more. Right up there with the Hogs and Finkelsteins concert where we moshed until Knappy fell over and there was no more space on the dance floor and the concert was ruined. This band takes all its equipment on the bus. You cannot fuck with this band. Am I right? Course I am.
When I was about 15 I did a science project with Commie Bastard and though I can’t even remember what the project was about but I do remember playing Need for Speed II all night long and listening to Violent Femmes and K’s Choice. And I have now seen both of them live in the last month; coincidence or cosmic sign? Cue Twilight Zone theme.

I have an interesting random thought: Smokers are allowed something like a 5 minute smoke break every hour or two hours or something like that, right; and I know non-smokers think that a bit unfair. Anyway, work in an office with a smoker and after every smoke-break he comes back and I want to be physically ill. So I’m thinking, non-smokers should get a 5 minute break after the smokers do. Clever, hmmm?

I was having a beer with some people yesterday and someone said they knew someone who was au pairing for their own family and getting paid R12 000 to do it. That is truly wicked. I want to take it one step further though: I wonder if my old man would pay me to au pair myself? It would be awesome: I could make myself snacks, bathe myself, play with myself, take myself down to the pub, drive myself home when I got too drunk – you know, usual au pairing stuff.

Dr. McNinja is cool: www.drmcninja.com. Samurais still kick ninjas’ asses though. But they would both make sushi out of that Smallville pansy and Toby McGuire. Do ninjas even eat sushi? No matter…
After reading this something occurred to me: Harties – you are a ninja[1] and an accountant[2],[3] right? Surely there is some copyright being infringed here? You could make millions my man, millions; just a thought. Harties, do ninjas eat sushi? Seems ninjas are the new Hoff. It must make it difficult to be a silent deadly assassin when you are in vogue. How do you manage, Harties? A sneak preview of Dr. McNinja here

By the way, originally got this link from Splattermail. Get a lot of my stuff from there because (a) He amuses me. (b) He frequently posts porn. (c) He is from Killarney.
People who make me laugh are worthy. Screw Patterson[4], all the world really needs is The King Prawn’s Amusement Factor[5]. You! You amuse me, have a raise[6]. You! You look like Lyle Lovett; you are relegated to being an extra on Reba – forever[7]. If you are on this mailing list, congratulations you are worthy. Except you Knaps, but we need someone to laugh at.

Ladies, please could someone explain to me: TV drama movies. I’m not talking about proper drama movies that have some sort of dramatic storyline to them; I’m talking about the ones that carry the blurb ‘a woman comes back to her home town after her mothers death and battles to resolve her relationship with her estranged father before he dies of cancer of the sphincter’; you know the ones whose sole purpose[8] it is to move with as much pace as Paris Hilton coming to terms with long division and then make the girls cry when someone dies at the end, while the guys have been sitting on the toilet with a playboy for the past hour waiting for the damn thing to end.

Has anyone ever drunk so much Powerade Jagged Ice that their urine was blue? Me neither. That would be cool though.

I have an addition to make to the statement ‘All women are whores; except our mothers.’
‘All men are pigs; except your father. No wait, he is a pig too.’ Ladies, even Knappy is a pig. He may be a pig cased in a layer of shmarmy, furry goodness, but he is still a pig[9]. This one I will have to run past you slowly: even I am a pig. Lovable as I am when I wake up naked on your couch, caked in vomit, having fed your dog Cognac right before I tried to dry-hump it the night before [10]– I am still a pig. I tell you ladies because you are all my friends and at some point in your life you may as well know the truth. Use it wisely and try not to spread it around – there are still plenty who know no better. Mrs. Bredin, thank you for being the inspiration for this little ramble.

I’m not a Jamiraquai fan in the least – to me he is just Boy George on speed, but the new video is fantastic. Do yourself a favour and check it out. I want a retro t-shirt with the image one of the Muslim looking ones.

I’m sure everyone has received a Fw: Fwd containing something with the stamp ebaumsworld.com. I didn’t realize but apparently ‘ebaum’ is in league with The Man. If you have a pathological distrust of The Man like I do go here: http://ebaumsworldsucks.com/ - it’s a very funny flash video. I got that link from Something Awful. I love the internet: always letting me know that no matter what I think, and how many push-ups I do, I will never be the most cynical person in this world. Nor the most articulate.

Speaking of Fw: Fwds: I know people send them with the best intentions but even the one that takes the piss out of all the nonsense ones that people (still) send is getting old. I have received exactly the same text under the guises of being written by both Billy Connolly and Mike Myers. They must have written it together, I guess. The Rules of Manhood never gets old though and neither does the one where Britain revokes the USA’s independence: The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

That kills me. Anyone who drinks Miller’s is doing it for image and doesn’t actually like beer. It’s like people who drink Johnny Walker and lime. Here’s what to do: take 1 x empty bottle of Miller’s; with subtlety take it to the bathroom; piss in it; drink it – it will taste better, cost less and your reputation for drinking expensive drinks will be in tact. Sorry Kettle and Will, it’s the only way.

For those of you who haven’t heard the good news: http://www.4q.cc/chuck/ . A sample random Chuck Norris fact: Every time Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick, an angel gets its wings

Do you think Knappy is machine-washable? Or will he shrink? Actually, maybe that’s something for you to look at there, my guy.
Curiosity got the better of me; I photoshopped a photo of Knappy to see what he would look like if he were tumble-dried and lost 30kgs:



I’m not a big one for laughing at my own jokes, but seriously, I think I just wet my jockeys a little here.

I have it on very good authority that if I am mean to Knappy, his girlfriend is going to perform a beat down on me. Of her ability to do this, I have no doubt[11]; but before my nose is bloodied: Mrs Knappy, think about it – do you really want to turn darling little Knaps into the guy whose girlfriend fought his battles? Quite a conundrum, hmmm?

Thank you to all who send fan-mail, it is much appreciated. Eish, who am I kidding? Not even the pope sends me fan-mail. Benny XVI, you’re still my guy though. Remember that time we nailed those prossies and then beat that homeless guy to death? Those were good times man – don’t be such a stranger.

And I think we’re done.

Clairidge, this ramble and the Tuesday morning numb teeth are for you my girl.

[1] I know, I just gave away your secret, but I have certain information that might be useful to certain people searching for a certain prostitute in Zanzibar, hidden in a safe place, to be opened on my death.
[2] As well as, amongst other things: expert on perfume fragrance; qualified photographer; strip-o-gram; cage fighter; pirate; fireman; Chuck Norris; hero of Desert Storm; POW in Vietnam; Snoop Doggy Dogg; person of politically correct persuasion; passionate lover of ABBA music; disciple of Don Juan; Lord of the Dance; Sir Edward Denham.
[3] Thanks must go to Hippie Writer in Fairy Shoes for having actually read a Jane Austen novel from which I could steal the character Sir Edward Denham.
[4] For those who didn’t study it, Patterson is a system for grading employees’ work. My academic interest was limited, so I might be entirely wrong, so just humour me.
[5] Actually, one of my essays was, and to my knowledge still is, quoted in the IS II slides. Irony, anyone? Ha! Take that, Samurai-style, academia.
[6] Ok, it occurred to me as I was writing this that Mr. Burns probably already invented this: “you amuse me, have some money”, or something like that.
[7] Or worse, an actual cast member.
[8] Footnotes are cool.
[9] A pig in pre-dyed sheep’s clothing, if you will.
[10] Question: where lies the line between lovable rogue and giant pecker-head? I will never understand how Karel can get away with being classed as the former, while I am left to tread the depths of the later; unless it has something to do with the fact that you can’t be a giant pecker-head with a lovable rogue… That does sound cool though, maybe a name change from The Ultimate Warrior is in order – sorry I sort of borrowed that from the only redeeming feature of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days – the ‘Krull, Warrior King’ bit. Man that cracked me up.
[11] Blondes are my kryptonite. Actually, so are brunettes. And redheads in nurses outfits.