Friday Ramble 14/10/2005

Last Friday I was cruising home and feeling pretty stoked with myself for surviving another week. Getting off the freeway, I thought I would just nip into the emergency lane to avoid the queue turning the other way. As I did it I saw her – a big fat pig. Of course she pulled me over and started giving me a bit of a lecture about what if an emergency vehicle was coming and it collided with me and there was broken glass and people were crying and then the smoke obscured the sun and then the earth became a hollow wasteland and that sort of thing; I couldn’t help myself - I argued that what I did actually lessened the traffic that was backed-up into the emergency lane and so benefited said emergency vehicles[1].
It was just as I was delivering my condescending smile that she explained to me how it was a R500 fine to drive in the emergency lane – oh bollocks. I would like to say that I took it like a man, but I panicked and started groveling like Knappy the time campus security found him wandering around with a stop sign over his shoulder. Long story short, my good looks and charm saved the day and all I got was a stern lecture. Good looks and charm people; remember that.

Estate agents are a weird breed. At the annual cocktail party for the Association for Unscrupulous Bastard Professions[2], more often than not, the Estate Agent is the guest of honour. They are severely handicapped when it comes to honesty and integrity - give them a hand and they’ll put something really expensive that leaks in it. They are shrewd, conniving and hell-bent on keeping the truth as far away from everyone else as possible; and will generally do anything to con people into conducting their real estate transactions with them. Yet, they all seem to put a photo of themselves on their adverts; inevitably, estate agents are mutant looking people with Bob Geldhof haircuts[3] and foreheads like a Klingon[4]. Why go to all the trouble of being a conniving, tricky, dirty little sleazebag and then put up pictures all over the place, showing what a conniving, tricky, dirty little sleazebag you are?

I would also like to add 2 people to my ‘people I would like to have a beer with’ list (because Kettle accused me of being racist, so I included two PC nominations):
- Felicia Mubuza-Sluttle (it’s sort of a ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ thing. If only they could perform cosmetic surgery on brains.)
- Steven Hawkins (you could beer in his lap and he couldn’t do a thing – that kind of fun never gets old)

Chip wanted me to make a special mention of how I lost the second bet of the season to him because Province won again. Chippy, all I can say is that at least neither of the Russouw brothers ever played for us.

Chopper finally got round to publishing the next episode in the life and times of Frederick von Swinehund. People with too much time on their hands can check out at http://philosophersoftheflux.blogspot.com/ (scroll down to the bottom for the beginning of the story). Don’t expect much, it only really makes sense if you know Fred.

Smythers, a samurai will tear a ninja into little cat-in-bottle sized chunks any day.


I think this is the first ramble for some of you. Enjoy the festivities. Should you wish to be removed from this mailing list; stand in a busy street on one leg, hold your right hand over your left eye, put your left hand in your right ear and say “hopefully some day I will grow wise enough to understand a minute portion of the inner monologue of one of the true geniuses of our time”. Who knows, maybe you’ll eventually even learn to deal with mine; sorry, that was a really obvious joke.

“Are you talking to me, or chewing on a brick? Cause either way, you are going to lose some teeth.”
- Bad Brad.
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”
“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.”
“Cowardice, as distinguished from panic, is almost always simply a lack of ability to suspend the imagination.”
“Decadence is a difficult word to use since it has become little more than a term of abuse applied by critics to anything they do not yet understand or which seems to differ from their moral concepts.”
- Ernest Hemingway


And I’m spent.
Enjoy the weekend paisans.
[1] While it was pretty stupid to argue, in my defense, my logic was completely sound.
[2] Other founding members: lawyers, car mechanics and evangelist ministers.
[3] If they have enough hair; otherwise it’s a good old comb-over.
[4] And they all have names like ‘Herbie’ and ‘Beryl’ for some reason.