Friday Ramble 23/09/2005

I was driving home yesterday and I saw the most ridiculous thing. A middle aged white guy driving some sort of Nissan sports car. Ridiculous? No, not really. What was was that his personalized license plate was “BLING”. Dude, it may be a relatively nice car, but in no country, under no circumstance, unless maybe you are in rural Japan does a Nissan constitute “bling”. Drive that into Harlem and see how many seconds you last. Hey, sounds like a great idea for a new Olympic sport. It could pick up all the slack in viewership left by the new rule that female volleyball players must wear ‘more’ clothes.

Then coming to work this morning I got stuck behind another middle aged white guy. This chap was driving a Beemer M3 at about 80 km/h in the fast lane. Annoying enough - but his license? “2QUIK4U”. Mate, if you are going to have a stupid license plate like that, at least drive like it. Middle aged white guys going through mid-life crises are funny.

This week in the news… Chopper has a job. In the true spirit of struggling musicians everywhere, it is spitting in the coffee he makes for rich folks. Nice one Chopper.

I really love hot food but The Old Man loves to test just how hot I can take it (after a decade of living as a bachelor, on Indian food, scotch and cheap women, he no longer has any of his taste-buds). He made a chicken stir-fry and I would love to say I’m exaggerating, but he honestly added an entire packet of chillis. I thought my eyeballs were going to hemorrhage. As you can imagine, the next two days of my life were…uncomfortable.

I just sat in this meeting where guys who have been working here for 20 years were being told that they have to change their methods of working to what my ideas dictated. I had a better time writing a maths prelim I hadn’t studied for. Agony.

I don’t know how many of you are into Terry Pratchett, but I’m a very big fan of his writing. If you don’t appreciate well-written humour so dry you can drink it, then skip these quotes, crawl into a hole and cuddle with your seriousness.
“The little flickering part of his brain that was still sparking coherent thought through the fog of mind-numbing terror that filled Colon's head was telling him that he was so far out of his depth that the fish had lights on their noses."
-- Sounds like me in my final tax exam last year.

“Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.”
-- Take heed Knappy AKA the fire mongrel. Actually, come to think of it – did someone set you on fire already?
-- It occurred to me that I’m always making Knappy jokes, but that there may be some people who don’t (crazy as this sounds) know who The Redness himself is. Well here is a present for you:



“Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.”
-- !!!!

“He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armour shouting “All the Gods are bastards.””

“People who are rather more than six feet tall and nearly as broad across the shoulders often have uneventful journeys. People jump out at them from behind rocks then say things like, "Oh. Sorry. I thought you were someone else."”
-- That makes me think of all the drunken ass-kickings I have avoided because Sheep was standing behind me. Quick Sheep - handsome face!



“The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and bloody-mindedness.”
-- Again. Knappy. Except substitute the charm bit for splooge[1].

“They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.”
-- Like people with personalized licenses. Except, of course, ones that say “Kends”

“You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.”
--

""I would like a question answered today," said Tiffany.
"Provided it's not the one about how you get baby hedgehogs," said the man.
"No, " said Tiffany patiently. "It's about zoology."
"Zoology eh? That's a big word, isn't it?"
"No, actually it isn't," said Tiffany. "Patronizing is a big word. Zoology is really quite short.""
-- Little Sister, somehow I can see you at the blunt end of that conversation.

"Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up"
-- Rum, you aren’t fooling anyone son. Just because you wear glasses, it doesn’t make you a genius.



"And therefore education at the University mostly worked by the age-old method of putting a lot of young people in the vicinity of a lot of books and hoping that something would pass from one to the other, while the actual young people put themselves in the vicinity of inns and taverns for exactly the same reason."
-- Ne’er a truer word…

If you enjoy George W. bashing as much as I do, check out Whitehouse.org. It’s bloody hilarious if you like that sort of thing. If you are in a very crude mood, go to www.coloringbookland.festeringass.com . My sense of humour is far too well developed to find any of that kind of filth funny. But I thought some of you more simple-minded folk might enjoy.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm………….

Where was I?

Oh, that’s right. Goodbye, enjoy the weekend and that sort of thing.

Love and kisses

What? Oh, you want to see a picture of me?



Hope I lived up to your expectations Borders.
[1] The Shorter Oxford Definition of Splooge: (n) the trait of talking to girls in a manner such that your friends are compelled to vomit.