Friday Ramble 21/10/2005

The alphabet according to my stream of consciousness:

A: is for the Alpine. I think they won some Anastasia reality competition, but they are still cool.
B: is for Mrs. Bredin who told me he wants to drink so hard that he vomits until his lungs bleed. One ticket to that show please.
C: is for cunt. Best word in the English language. Say it with me: cuuuu…
D: is for Durex. Wrap it up chaps; wrap it up. I don’t want anyone calling me ‘Uncle King Prawn’ for a few years yet. Mr. Aniston-King Prawn: yes; Uncle King Prawn: no.
E: is for Pert Spice whose birthday I forgot for about the 5th year running. Sorry.
F: is for Fuzigish. Best live band SA has seen since Boo! Also for Fokofpolisiekar; I wonder how many fans they have garnered simply on their name.
G: is for Gordon Bennett
H: is for haver. I’ll give you a clue: it’s a Scottish term; used in the Proclaimers’ song I’m Gonna Be (500 miles) and quite appropriate in the context of this extraordinary piece of prose.
I: is for Idi Amin. You have to admit – the man would have made a great headmaster.
J: is for John Thomas.
K: is for Sheep who turns four and twenty today. Happy Birthday, mfana. Rum – please forward my sentiments to the man in question and tell him to leave hotmail because it’s crap.
L: is for lammies. Here follows the definitive rules for lammies. Sorry for all the Zimbos; I didn’t translate it for two reasons: firstly, my Afrikaans is only marginally better than my Czechoslovakian; secondly, it just sounds better in Afrikaans (for example: ‘omdat die ou ‘n poes is’ can be translated to ‘because the guy is a pussy’, but for my money it doesn’t quite have the same ring). Courtesy http://www.watkykjy.co.za/ Shot to Umthondo for inadvertently leading me there.

Lammies is vir skouers bedoel. Nie toggos, bobene, niere en tiete nie. As iemand jou uitvang met 'n wettige lammie, vat jy dit alleenlik op jou skouer. However, as iemand jou uitvang met 'n wettige lammie en jou op jou bo-arm, toggos, niere of voorkop slaan, skuld jy hom VYF lammies:

1. Nommer een omdat die ou 'n poes is.
2. Nommer twee omdat hy weereens 'n cheap scaly ek-is-'n-poes shot geland het.
3. Nommer drie omdat hy obviously nie weet watter deel van 'n persoon sy lyf sy skouer is nie. Net 'n vinnige note hieso: as jyself nie weet watter deel van 'n persoon se lyf sy skouer is nie, is jy fokken onnosel. Jy het wel basiese leesvaardighede, want jy kon sover darem bietjie lees wat hier geskryf is. Sterkte met die breinoorplanting.
4. Nommer vier: Hy het hoogs waarskynlik jou drankie uitgepoes met sy aapstreke.
5. Nommer vyf: Jy skuld hom obviously 'n lammie, nie waar nie?
But wait, there's more! Wanneer iemand jou traai vang met 'n wettige lammie is dit maklik om dit af te weer. Sodra hy vir jou 'n lammie wys, maak 'n kringetjie met jou vingers - jou duim plus enige ander vinger/vingers en kyk deur die kringetjie vir die lammie. Hoekom sê ek jou duim en enige ander vinger/vingers? Want dit gaan pretty fokken onmoontlik wees om bv 'n kringetjie te maak met jou pinkie en wysvinger en nog deur die pateties kringetjie te kyk in 'n kwessie van 'n splitsekonde. Dis baie belangrik om die bra se lammie te vang terwyl sy hand en vingers nog in die lammie posisie is. Dit help nie jy vang 'n oop palm nie. Dan vang jy fokkol. Maybe 'n verkoue at best twee dae later as dit toevallig fokken koud is en jou immunesisteem in sy fuck you in is. Sou jy die lammie suskesvol met jou kringetjie eye, skuld jy die booswig EEN lammie. Sou dit byvoorbeeld 'n poging tot 'n lammie aanval bo jou skouer wees en jy eye dit met die kringetjie, revert jy na basic wiskunde: een omdat dit bo die skouer is en nog een omdat jy die lammie aanval immobilise het. Die groot vyf Vyf lammies word wel toegedien in sommige gevalle. Wanneer iemand jou wettiglik met 'n lammie traai vang (hersiening: onder die skouer vir jou wys en jy kyk daarvoor), kan jy fisies die lammie vang. Gryp sy vingers terwyl dit nog in die lammie posisie is asof jy 'n kakiebos sou gryp of vashou. Indien suksesvol, skuld jy die aanvaller 'n hele groot gruwelike vyf lammies. Hoekom vyf lammies? Dit gaan oor die moeilikheidsgraad. Dis moeiliker om iets te gryp as wat dit is om net daarna te kyk. As dit so maklik was het almal rondgeloop met Kerry McGreggors en dan het FHM fokkol prentjies gehad vir hulle skommie magazine. Is daar 'n rewards program vir lammies? Ja, actually in fact is daar 'n lammie rewards program. Jy kan jou lammies bank en jy hoef dit nie dadelik uit te deel nie. Solank albei partye konsensus het wat die saak betref en julle kan count hou van wie skuld vir vir wie wat en hoeveel. Ek het persoonlik 'n kollosale 85 lammies opgebou en dit net deur lammies fisies te vang. Skipper Glen sou afgekak het by die watkykjy paartie, maar ek het diep ondersoek in my swart hart gaan doen en het besluit om die 85 lammies te skraap. 'n Goeie drie jaar van lammies vang down the drain I tells ya! Wat van rekenaar en e-mail lammies? Sure. Hou net by dit reëls. Jy kan byvoorbeeld jou hand in lammie posisie afneem en veertig copies daarvan in 'n Excel spreadsheet sit en vir jou baas mail as "Tuesday's Statistics". Maak net seker jy is teenwoordig wanneer hy dit oopmaak, sodat jy die veertig lammies kan toedien. As hy dit met 'n kringetjie eye, however, gaan jy een fokken seer skouer hê en dan gaan daai girlie wat jy so graag op die copier wil zaber terwyl jy afdrukke van haar ass maak nie meer van jou hou nie. Enige ander diskresie verbonde aan die ekstreme sport van lammies? Solank jy by die basiese official lammie reëls hou soos hierbo uiteengesit, behoort alles cool te wees. Jy is vry om enige iemand lammies toe te dien: jou ouma, meisies, mense in rolstoele, blinde mense, kinders ensovoorts ensovoorts. Dit hang maar van jouself af of jy 'n totale poes wil wees.

M: is for manky. My favourite word for just about everything I own. My car is leaking at the moment and it smells very, bloody, exceptionally, supremely, comprehensively, extraordinarily manky. It’s derived from the French word ‘Manqué’, the past participle of ‘Manquer’ (to fail) if you were interested. Also mampoer
N: is for Nolene on 3Talk. Definitely the most articulate bag of cow pat I’ve ever seen.
O: is for Oranje Vrystaat. You have to support the underdogs; and anyone who thumped Province.
P: is for pillock second best word in the English language. Just say it out loud.
Q: is for queer. Apparently at the Rhodes reunion I was seen shouting ‘best queer in this place’ and pointing to a gay chap I had just met. What? He is a pretty cool chap; I just thought everyone should know. Man I wish I had been there to see that - public humiliation is funny.
R: is for Roger Smyth. Dig that old guy. Say it with a pompous nasal twang.
S: is for stereotype. I love stereotypes. Ya, ya, they probably breed intolerance across arbitrary demographics and all that BA stuff, but so often they are true. I have some up with some stereotypes for the Jo’burg highway. Taxis fall into all these categories, but I find that taxis are not as dangerous as everyone makes them out to be; you see them, know that they are going to do something stupid and dangerous so you give them wide berth. It’s the other cars on the road that are actually unpredictable. This might help you. (also: I know this isn’t very PC, but in honour of the Sheep’s birthday today is controversial day).
Someone pulls out into the fast lane in front of you doing 50 km/h – young girl in an old golf with EC or NW plates. All you will be able to see of her is the top of her head over the steering wheel and her whitened knuckles.
Someone is driving up your arse menacingly – middle-aged white guy in a 4 x 4 that has never been out of Sandton. He will have a blue tooth headset in his ear whether he is on the phone or not.
Someone is weaving in and out of traffic, basically driving straight down the dotted line – young ‘trendy urbanite’ guy driving a Golf 5 or Honda V-Tec. You will struggle to see him past all the ‘bling’.
Someone is struggling to pick a lane and generally looking well out of their depth - Middle-aged black woman driving a brand new Audi or Beamer. She will bear the same look of confusion on her face that she would if she got the Tupperware party venue mixed up and ended up at the Broederbond AGM.
Someone drives past you looking like Tom Cruise in Top Gun – that will be me in the gold pimp-mobile. Awesome.
T: is for Trendy Urbanite. For those of you who don’t know him, The Furniture Guy writes for the furniture section of the Sunday Times. Every week in his articles he sneaks in one of his friends as a casual observer who he ‘interviewed’. A month or so ago Chip made an appearance as a ‘young trendy urbanite’ who was quoted as saying “this furniture is fabulous”. You have to love euphemisms. Watch out for the furniture section of the Sunday Times, it will probably mock someone you know. Speaking of Chip – he told me last night that he spent R1500 on his credit card for tickets to live sports events this weekend. That’s impressive my guy; especially considering PROVINCE GOT THUMPED IN THE SEMIS. It feels good to say that.
U: is for unbelievably random thought: do you remember the Sunscreen Song? The one where the guy sort of talks and gives advice on all sorts of things? One of the lyrics goes something like “Live in New York City once – but leave before it makes you hard. Live in California once – but leave before it makes you soft.” I reckon that was a metaphor and what he really meant was Boksburg and Sandton. Boksburg: 50 000 residents; 12 last names.
V: is for vagitarianism. Look it up.
W: is for wotcher: expl. A form of greeting, rather more familiar to Victorian schoolboys than anyone more contemporary. Harks back to a time when "cock" meant something like "mate", but nowadays marching into a bar and greeting someone with "wotcher, cock!" is unlikely to make you more popular. I think it’s time for a bit of a renaissance of ‘wotcher, cock!’
X: is for Monica Sweetheart.
Y: is for Yankee Hicks: http://www.moreorless.au.com/killers/us-presidents.html. It’s quite an interesting site if you are into that sort of thing.
Z: is for zort.